Understanding Trauma: The Invisible Wounds That Shape Our Legal Journeys
Trauma isn't just what happens to us — it's what happens inside us.
What is Trauma?
Trauma is not just an event that happened in the past—it's the lasting impact that event had on our nervous system, beliefs, and sense of self. It's the residue of fear, pain, or overwhelm that gets stuck in the body when we don't have the resources or support to process what is happening fully.
Trauma is not about weakness — it's about what was too much, too soon, or not enough for too long.
How Trauma Can Develop
Trauma can develop through:
A one-off frightening event (like an accident or attack).
Ongoing stress or fear (like living in a high-conflict household).
Emotional neglect or the absence of feeling safe, seen, soothed, or supported as a child.
Developmental trauma from disruptions in early attachment relationships.
Relational trauma from betrayals, abandonments, or emotional manipulation.
When something overwhelms us, and we don't have a safe way to process it, that stress gets stored in the body. Trauma responses aren't chosen — they're adaptive survival strategies.
How Trauma Might Show Up in Your Life
You may not remember trauma as a "story." You may feel it as:
Hypervigilance or persistent anxiety
Emotional shutdown or difficulty accessing feelings
Shame or self-blame
Feeling stuck or unable to move forward
Disconnection from your body or feelings
Difficulty trusting others or maintaining boundaries
Overwhelming emotional responses that seem disproportionate
Sleep disturbances or nightmares
Physical symptoms like tension, pain, or digestive issues
Relationship patterns that repeat despite your best intentions
Trauma can shape how we trust, love, feel about ourselves, and feel safe in the world. Many people going through Family Law proceedings have experienced some form of trauma, which the stress and uncertainty of legal processes can reactivate.
Where does Trauma come from?
Where does Trauma come from?
When navigating Family Law proceedings, it's helpful to understand how both past and present challenges may be affecting your well-being. Trauma isn't just about major life events; it has several aspects that can impact how we respond to stress, particularly during significant life transitions.
The Four Aspects of Trauma
1. Obvious or Event-Based Trauma
These are experiences most people recognise as potentially traumatic:
Experiencing abuse in any form
Surviving domestic violence
Going through a divorce or relationship breakdown
Facing illness or accidents
Living through disasters or other uncontrollable events
2. Relational or Developmental Trauma
These are less obvious but equally impactful experiences related to early relationships:
Disruptions in important relationships
Having emotionally unavailable caregivers
Not receiving adequate emotional support or understanding
Experiencing relationship breakdowns without proper repair
Missing out on feeling truly seen, heard, or validated
3. Inherited Family Patterns
We may also carry the emotional patterns from our family:
Absorbing unprocessed stress from parents or caregivers
Learning unhelpful communication styles from family members
Taking on beliefs about conflict or relationships from our upbringing
Carrying emotional responsibilities that belonged to others
4. Broader Social and Historical Factors
Our experiences are also shaped by larger contexts:
Absorbing unprocessed stress from parents or caregivers
Learning unhelpful communication styles from family members
Taking on beliefs about conflict or relationships from our upbringing
Carrying emotional responsibilities that belonged to others
Why This Matters During Family Law Proceedings
Understanding these different aspects of trauma can help explain why certain parts of the legal process might feel particularly challenging.
You might notice:
Physical reactions during meetings, court appearances (racing heart, tension) or reading correspondence
Emotional responses that seem stronger than expected
Difficulty making decisions or processing information
Feeling overwhelmed by paperwork or procedural requirements
These are normal responses to stress, especially when past experiences have created sensitivities in your nervous system. The resources and exercises we provide can help you navigate these responses and maintain your well-being throughout this process.
Remember: Recognising these patterns isn't about assigning blame—it's about understanding your reactions and finding effective ways to support yourself during this challenging time.
Types of Trauma
(Acute, Chronic, Developmental, Complex, Collective)
Types of Trauma (Acute, Chronic, Developmental, Complex, Collective)
Trauma isn't one-size-fits-all. Different types of trauma impact us in various ways, and some are harder to recognise, especially when they've been normalised.
Common Categories of Trauma
Acute Trauma
Single incidents that overwhelm the system
Examples: car accidents, assaults, sudden losses, medical emergencies
Chronic Trauma
Ongoing exposure to distressing situations
Examples: domestic violence, ongoing conflict, prolonged legal battles
Developmental Trauma
Occurs in childhood when consistent emotional attunement, safety, and support are missing
Examples: neglect, misattunement, ongoing instability, unpredictable caregiving
Complex Trauma
Layered, multiple traumas often occur within relationships over time
Examples: abuse by caregivers, institutional neglect, combinations of different trauma types
Collective Trauma
Trauma that affects entire groups or communities
Examples: war, pandemics, natural disasters, cultural oppression
You do not need to have experienced physical harm for your trauma to be valid. Emotional neglect, unpredictability, or not feeling safe to be your true self are all forms of trauma.
What matters is how it left you feeling — and how it shaped your sense of self, relationships, and worldview.
Trauma and Attachment Styles
Trauma and Attachment Styles
Understanding Attachment Styles
Our early relationships, particularly with our primary caregivers, create patterns that often persist into adulthood. These patterns, known as attachment styles, can significantly impact how we navigate relationships, including those with legal professionals during family law proceedings.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
Characteristics: Trust in relationships, ability to manage emotions, comfortable with intimacy and independence
During legal proceedings: Generally able to communicate needs clearly, accept support, and manage the emotional stress of the process.
Developed when: Caregivers were consistently responsive, emotionally available, and provided a secure base
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment
Characteristics: Strong desire for closeness, fear of rejection or abandonment, heightened emotional responses
During legal proceedings, people may seek excessive reassurance, feel overwhelmed by fears of worst-case scenarios, and struggle with boundaries.
Developed when: Caregivers were inconsistently responsive or used emotions/affection as control
Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment
Characteristics: Strong preference for independence, difficulty trusting others, discomfort with emotional intimacy
During legal proceedings, they may appear detached, reluctant to share feelings, or minimise the emotional impact of the process.
Developed when Caregivers were emotionally unavailable or discouraged expressions of need and vulnerability
Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganised Attachment
Characteristics: Conflicting desires for closeness and distance, unpredictable responses, difficulty regulating emotions
During legal proceedings, the person may swing between high emotional distress and shutdown, struggle with trusting professionals, and experience intense conflict in decision-making.
Developed when: Caregivers were in some way frightening or frightened themselves, creating an unresolvable approach-avoid dilemma
How Attachment Affects the Legal Process
Your attachment style may influence:
How comfortable do you feel asking questions or expressing concerns
Your expectations of your legal team
How you respond to stress, uncertainty, and conflict
Your ability to trust professional advice
How do you communicate your needs and boundaries
Understanding your attachment patterns can help you navigate relationships during the legal process more effectively and with greater self-compassion.
Developing "Earned Secure Attachment"
Even if you didn't develop secure attachment in childhood, you can develop what's called "earned secure attachment" through:
Relationships with consistent, emotionally available people
Therapeutic work that addresses early attachment injuries
Developing greater awareness of your attachment patterns
Learning to meet your own needs with self-compassion
Practising new ways of relating to others
At Rosefield Divorce Consultancy and Burgess Mee, we recognise the importance of creating a secure base for our clients. We strive to be consistent, transparent, and responsive to help you feel supported throughout the legal process.
Trauma and The Nervous System
Trauma and The Nervous System
Here's an explanation of the nervous system to help you understand what you might be experiencing, why and why some of the strategies we suggest can help:
Understanding how your body naturally responds to stress can help you manage difficult moments more effectively as you navigate the Family Law process. These two diagrams illustrate key concepts about your autonomic nervous system; the part of your body that automatically responds to perceived safety or danger.
The Autonomic Ladder: Your Body's Response System
The first diagram shows what we call "The Autonomic Ladder" - the three main states your nervous system moves between:
Ventral Vagal (Top of the Ladder)
This is your "safety" state, where you feel calm, connected, and engaged. In this state:
You can think clearly about your legal options
You're able to listen and absorb information from your advisers
Your body feels relatively relaxed and grounded
You can express yourself effectively in meetings or court
Sympathetic (Middle of the Ladder)
This is your "action" state, where your body mobilises for fight or flight. In this state:
Your heart might race during important meetings
You might feel anxious, angry, or unable to sit still
You may have trouble focusing on or remembering complex legal information
You might feel an urge to argue strongly or leave the situation entirely
Dorsal Vagal (Bottom of the Ladder)
This is your "shutdown" state, where your body conserves energy. In this state:
You might feel numb or disconnected during legal discussions
Paperwork or decisions may feel overwhelming
You might forget appointments or procrastinate on essential tasks
Your body might feel heavy, tired, or "foggy"
The Autonomic Nervous System: How It Works
The second diagram shows the two branches of your autonomic nervous system:
Sympathetic Nervous System
This is your body's "activation" system
It helps you respond to challenges and threats
During stressful legal situations, this system might activate, causing physical sensations like a racing heart or shallow breathing
Parasympathetic Nervous System
This calming branch has two parts:
Ventral Vagus: Helps you feel safe and connected
Dorsal Vagus: Can lead to shutdown when overwhelmed
Why This Matters For Your Legal Journey
Understanding these states helps you:
Recognise your responses: "My heart is racing in this meeting because my sympathetic system is activated - this is normal"
Take appropriate action: Different states need different approaches
In sympathetic (fight/flight): Physical movement or breathing exercises help
In dorsal (shutdown): Gentle stimulation and small steps help
Communicate with your legal team: If you're feeling overwhelmed, recognising which state you're in can help you ask for what you need.
Remember: Moving up and down this ladder is normal in navigating stressful situations. The exercises we provide are designed to help you climb back up toward your ventral vagal "safety" state when needed, helping you make clearer decisions during this challenging time.
The Window of Tolerance vs. Polyvagal Ladder
The Window of Tolerance vs. Polyvagal Ladder
The polyvagal ladder is very similar to the window of tolerance model; both describe how our nervous system responds to stress and safety. Both models help us understand why we might feel calm one moment and overwhelmed or shut down the next.
The window of tolerance shows the optimal zone where we can think clearly and stay regulated — outside of that, we move into hyperarousal (anxiety, panic) or hypoarousal (numbness, collapse).
The polyvagal ladder, based on Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, offers a similar idea to the window of tolerance by Dan Siegel, but frames it as a ladder we move up and down:
Top rung – Social engagement (safe, connected, calm)
Middle rung – Fight/flight (mobilised, anxious, reactive)
Bottom rung – Shutdown (disconnected, frozen, numb)
In essence, they describe the same nervous system patterns, just using different metaphors. One gives you a window, the other a ladder, but both help us track where we are and what support we might need.
The Window of Tolerance
Coined by Dr Dan Siegel, the Window of Tolerance refers to the range in which we can function effectively — think clearly, feel our emotions without being overwhelmed, and respond to stress in a regulated way.
When we're inside our window, we feel:
Calm and grounded
Open and connected
Able to reflect, choose, and respond thoughtfully
Capable of managing emotions without being overwhelmed
Present and engaged with what's happening around us
When we're pushed outside that window, we may experience:
Hyperarousal (Above the Window)
Anxiety, panic, racing thoughts
Anger, irritability, emotional flooding
Intense reactivity to small triggers
Difficulty thinking clearly or rationally
Feeling unsafe or in danger when you're actually safe
Hypoarousal (Below the Window)
Numbness, fatigue, emptiness
Dissociation or feeling of "not really here"
Difficulty focusing or thinking
Feeling "shut down" or disconnected
Low energy, motivation, or interest
For people with trauma histories, the window can be very narrow, making it more likely to become dysregulated during stressful events like legal proceedings.
The good news is that our window can widen through:
Nervous system regulation practices
Safe relationships and co-regulation
Therapeutic support
Increased emotional awareness and self-compassion
Consistent application of grounding techniques
Understanding your window is empowering. It helps normalise trauma reactions, reduce shame, and guide your healing journey.